Next Sunday is Mother’s Day. In anticipation of my first Mother’s Day I’ve been thinking a lot about my experience as a mother since June 23rd (the day we found out that I was pregnant). I’ve learned a number of things: patience, love, fatigue and most importantly the various facets of God’s character. In my last post, I talked about my PCOS and how difficult it had been for Justin and I to conceive. That post must have been what God needed me to do, because the following month we found out that I was pregnant. Since that time I was reminded not only of God’s faithfulness, but His unconditional love and His ability to reveal Himself in all things.
I have been writing in a blog for my daughter since I found out that I was expecting. There have been some long gaps into between posts, but I have taken on the task of going back and sharing pregnancy memories with her. She will be able to read about her life, see videos from her first few months, and see pictures from before she was born all in one place. In my latest memory post I talked about finding out her sex. Around the same time, God showed me something about Himself that hasn’t left me since that day. As I lay in the bed, trying to get back to sleep, I could feel this little growing person moving inside my tummy. I couldn’t see what was happening, I couldn’t know for sure if what I felt were hands or feet, but I knew something was happening. In that moment, God shared that He functions in the same way, I can’t see Him changing my life, but I can feel it. I don’t know for sure if things are right-side up or if my whole life is upside-down, but just like I could trust that the movement I felt inside was a good thing, I can trust that God’s movements are a good thing. In that moment, He reassured my faith, I must simply trust that even though I can’t see God work, I can feel Him moving if I sit still and wait, blocking out all distractions, and just resting in His presence.
Since Jaela was born, I have also learned
patience, I have learned long-suffering. Patience does not do justice to the experience that new mothers have, especially new mothers who have decided to breastfeed exclusively. During a night that Jaela did not want to go to sleep, she was fussy, crying and on 100 at 1-something in the morning. I was tired, her Daddy was sleep and I didn’t know what to do. I started to feel like a failure and a bad mother, I was physically tired and frustrated.
It was then that God reminded me that this blessing of Motherhood is a ministry, a ministry that will require patience, compassion, and full reliance on Him. I couldn’t do things on my own, I couldn’t expect to know what to do all the time, but I could expect for God to give me wisdom, strength and a new level of love. He also helped me to understand how He sees me. My daughter relies on Justin and I for EVERYTHING! There is nothing she can do on her own, except dirty diapers and drool ;-), but really, she cannot feed herself, clean herself, or move from one place to another, and she’s fully content. She doesn’t rush to get from one place to another, she is content to rest in my arms, she loves sitting in her bouncer staring at the same painting daily. I need to have that same contentment. I need to learn to be content in everything, resting in the strong and comforting arms of my Heavenly Father, trusting that He is going to provide every need without doubt that it won’t be done.
So, over the course of the next week and a half, I’ll continue posting in Jaela’s blog, I’ll continue to experience new things as her Mommy, and I’ll continue to appreciate the gift that God has allowed me to have. A blessing that He did not have to give, but I am grateful for. For those out there who are still waiting to have children and it has been difficult, continue to have faith. In the two years we were trying, I continued to trust in God’s word, using the stories of Hannah and Elizabeth as my reassurance that God is faithful to do great things for those who trust in Him.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mommies out there!